I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Randomize
