I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
