please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
