i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
