i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
