Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
