i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Someone shit on the floor
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
