Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
