I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
