I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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