When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
