i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
