Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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