I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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