I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
