woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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