I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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