he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
