I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
