I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
