Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
