i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
