So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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