OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
