guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She told me I should be a condom model.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
