I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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