Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
