I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
