The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
