He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
