so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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