Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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