then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
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But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."