If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
