He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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