She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
