Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
