Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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