She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
