I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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