meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
