as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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