put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
