You can't motorboat a personality
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
