everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
