Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
