It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
