I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
