he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
