I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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