I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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