how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
