oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
