Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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