It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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