I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
