the condom got lost in my hair
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
