And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
