Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
another moral hangover. fuck.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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