I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
