fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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