Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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